The day I left was just like a scene in a sappy movie. He waved me goodbye while fighting back tears as I drove away in a U-Haul truck bound for Spokane. At the Canadian-U.S. border, I barely held it together while explaining my reasoning for returning home. For months prior, we weighed out our immigration options with border closures and double wait times on visa processing. However, I knew where my heart needed to go to heal and find love from within. I’d been visualizing this border crossing day knowing everything we hoped for would change once I crossed that imaginary line along the 49th parallel. This is where my journey of healing began.
At the start of my preparation to return stateside, I called upon a friend, a wizard of sorts, to advise me on the next seemingly scary steps of this transition. A visionary artist and manifester of abundance, Alec Falle Hamilton let me join his Manifesting a Loving Partner course that he hosted as a part of his YouTube platform. Once a resident of Colorado and now residing in Southern California with his wife and child, Hamilton teaches about the law of attraction to help clarify your vision, mission and purpose.
Hamilton says, “Growth comes through challenge.” He reminds me of the big picture when differentiating my emotions. I am experiencing a state of (fill in the blank) sadness, loneliness, anxiety. Not, I am these emotions. I can choose to ride the emotion like a rollercoaster, acknowledge it then release it or even stay neutral. This lesson came when things were chaotic, stressful and uncertainty lurked around every corner. I felt frayed and afraid of the future, but I pressed onward.
All day we can pick our own thoughts to be in higher alignment,” says Hamilton. “We can focus on things that move us up the vibrational scale.” He encourages us to move our thoughts towards a higher vibration in the vision we are creating. Along with this we can practice the law of subtraction by releasing the old, heavy energy from our past to move forward.
We always have to give something to gain something,” Hamilton explains. “We can do it through healing by being honest with ourselves and those around us to align our values.”
“We always have to give something to gain something. We can do it through healing by being honest with ourselves and those around us to align our values.”
Grief is a process of letting go. It’s natural and apart of the transition from start to end. I grieve the life and dreams that I lost, but I also acknowledge that maybe I wasn’t the most fulfilled during my time in Canada. Maybe I needed to come home, reset and find what makes me the happiest.
Thus, I set forward to find examples of good things, a lesson he taught me, along my drive south to Colorado. I saw desert sandstone contrasting the rich greenery I left in British Columbia. I saw children riding scooters in parks and dipped my toes in mountain-fed lakes. A rock with a heart shaped hole greeted me when arriving at my friend’s doorway. These were all reminders that I was on the right path.
While driving from Idaho to Colorado, I listened to Rachel Hollis’ book Girl, Wash Your Face for reflection on my next chapter. She states, “Moving doesn’t change who you are. It only changes the view outside your window. You must choose to be happy, grateful and fulfilled. If you make that choice every single day, regardless of where you are or what’s happening, you will be happy.”
As I passed pastureland and potato land, I reflected on three years in three countries while feeling both a loving and supportive community, as well as intense isolation while living abroad. I’m grateful for the opportunity to travel and acknowledge that I’ve been brought back home to share my experiences of love, lose and finding my inner joy.
Hollis says, “What if the hard stuff, the amazing stuff, the love, the joy, the hope, the fear, the weird stuff, the funny stuff, the stuff that takes you so low you’re lying on the floor crying and thinking, how did I get here? What if none of it is happening to you? What if all of it is happening for you?”
I felt those feelings of despair, as if everything I wanted — living in a foreign country with my foreign partner in a cute town with bike trails and a lakefront beach — was collapsing. Now on my own in Colorado, I stick to daily habits to keep me focused and slowly work towards my bigger picture. I am learning to search for the happiness internally and to release my emotions when getting fixated on the past. I find harmony through meditation and tuning into my intuition.
I practice the affirmations I learned through Hamilton’s course: ‘I am so happy and grateful to be living in harmony with my divine partner;’ ‘I allow myself to receive all the blessings that are coming my way;’ ‘these will come to me in divine order and divine time,’ amongst many others. These mantras remind me of my vision, and that no matter where the road takes me, I am still going forward.
Every path is uncertain. Keep driving through the bumps, bends and potholes of the road focusing on a glimpse of what’s ahead with positivity and optimism.
Photos by Alec Falle Hamilton.
Originally published in the Winter + Spring 2021-22 issue.