If you’ve been through a break-up or divorce, you realize that attempting to give a complete, accurate breakdown of its root cause could take a lifetime.

What we do know is that break-ups happen and they happen often.

In some cases, one or both parties adopt a yogic or spiritual lifestyle. At which point, perspectives shift and so do the dynamics of the relationship.

Sometimes this changes things for the better. And sometimes it doesn’t.

In cases where the latter occurs, it seems that instead of a shift toward a relationship that is more balanced and loving, the partnership experiences what feels more like an earthquake. This rumble leaves a relationship in its wake that is a mere whisper of what existed before.

A stable emotional foundation is important when cultivating healthy, long-lasting relationships.

In cases where both or one party is codependent, it can feel less like two walls built on a solid foundation holding up a roof, and more like two walls leaning too far toward or away from the other to hold up the structure.

The leaning or lack thereof is usually due to a lack of emotional and structural integrity, and both parties must take personal responsibility if they wish to repair and rebuild after the earthquake.

We often attract others, either from our wounds or from our degree of healing to which we have undergone. This is somewhat of a glass half-full or glass half-empty variation in perspectives. We are entering shaky territory when we look to others for validation or rely on them in order to feel a certain way, rather than looking to ourselves.

A yogic lifestyle or spiritual practice can catalyze our awareness to our wounds and certain discord in our lives, but only if we allow it. We do not necessarily need yoga or spirituality for this, it can come via other means as well, but this is one avenue toward this type of growth and healing.

Sometimes two people are divided, emotionally and energetically, due to one individual’s newfound awareness of self or the movement toward healing.

For example, one or both partners may realize that, collectively, their wounds are only creating more wounds. They may see that the structure they have created has left no room for expansion.

But it is important to realize that each is individually responsible for this. The two can split, when maybe there was enough there for them to have worked through and healed had they only had the courage and the will, or they might stay together when perhaps it would have been healthier for them to have gone their separate ways.

What these choices really come down to is intuition, personal preference and the degree to which we allow our egos to take the wheel. Meaning, has one of the two in the dynamic assumed a “better than or worse than,” emotional stance in the couple or is the disharmony really coming down to fear or power struggles?

What any practice can teach us is that our relationship with ourselves is what comes first. We need to nourish ourselves first in order to nourish anyone else and when we see the faults in someone else, we have lost sight of this because our gaze has moved to them and our finger has begun to point at them and not at ourselves.

I am listening to how I feel

This is not about blame or shame, it is about accountability which also means freedom of choice. I am not looking at the faults in you, I am listening to how I feel. I focus on me, in order to love me, in order to better to love you—even if that means leaving the relationship.

AT THE ROOT OF IT ALL, THERE IS THIS:

If we want healthy relationships, we have two choices—to lovingly engage with another through a healthy love for ourselves, or to lovingly disengage with that other through a healthy love for ourselves.

This is the ideal. This is the truth. This is both the challenge and the opportunity.

This is the yoga of first and foremost coming into ourselves with the intention of doing no harm because every relationship is special and every relationship is precious, even those which have run their course.

WRITTEN BY KATE VESSEL.  Kate is a freelance writer, public speaker, student and teacher of yoga, and mother of two small daughters. Her main areas of focus are that of philosophy, particularly areas of emotional intelligence and creative strategy for both individuals and groups. She currently resides in Minneapolis, MN and she would love to connect with you. Connect with Kate on her website: www.katevessel.com